


Be Free

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Gay John Laurens, M/M, Nonbinary Marquis de Lafayette, Other, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Tags May Change, Trans Alexander Hamilton
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-23
Updated: 2018-02-23
Packaged: 2019-03-22 20:10:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13771620
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: "Today's the day," Or so I thought.





	Be Free

He'd been planning it for months. Spent so much time thinking about it, what he'd do, how he'd do it, what to write in that note before it was all over and he'd never get another chance. it was difficult, figuring out what to write, who to address in that note, how to even go about it.

It was all set. Not quite in stone, but rather... A chalkboard. It was set in chalk how he'd do it, when he'd do it, what he'd address in his note, who he'd even address and apologize to over and over for his decisions in the past, present, his future decision he wouldn't be swayed from. Life hurt. Life was difficult. He had no friends, his own father told him to not come home unless he was ready to listen, Francis left him, he'd fucked up and was so, so sure Martha wouldn't take him back no matter what he did. So he wrote up his note, he apologized to her, to Francis, to his father, to his siblings, and most important of all, to his own late mother for the decisions he'd made, for being unable to hold on any longer and hold out for the kids, for Martha, for himself.

But when he went up to the rooftop of his apartment complex, someone was there. He couldn't find his words for a moment, staring at the short person standing there against the rails, a deep frown on their face. And suddenly John found himself quickly stepping forward, calling out, " _Hey, please don't do it!_ " before freezing up. Frozen as the short person turned their gaze to him, as his mind ran wild, wondered why he'd done it. The other was wearing a black skirt, a somewhat frilly white blouse, glasses that he honestly thought complimented them. It seemed... Off, however, as the other stared at him, dead silent before their conversation started. John asked why. Why here, why now, why at all, and caused them to start a story he didn't expect. How they thought the one they'd loved, loved them back. Apparently they didn't, seeing as they'd heard him flirting with a friend days ago.

Could John really be helped for his snapping? For his scowling at them, hissed words in a mixture of languages they couldn't quite understand for a moment, but he could tell the exact moment it clicked in their head.

_I've seen people do that for worse. So you're acting fucking sad and pitiful like your life is over because of a guy? Get over it! When you have no one else in the world, you have to realize that the first and foremost person you have to depend on is yourself!_

_So please don't jump._

He learned their name as they stepped down. Learned a little about him; Alexander, a trans man that couldn't come out to his boss, that woke up, put on his work clothes and realized he was... Done. Was.. A bit pleasantly surprised when he took the other's hand, led him into his own apartment. Gave him his comfiest sweats and an old hoodie he kept for how much comfort it brought to him when times were rough. Alexander thanked him, offered to return them himself sometime after he'd changed at home. John told Alexander to keep the clothes and sent him on his way.

* * *

Today's the day, she'd thought as she went up those stairs, opened the door to the roof, so ready to just put an end to it, to stop it all and stop existing like she so dreamed she could.

But once again, someone was there. A young, dark skinned woman, long, curly hair down her back and the prettiest red dress she'd ever seen. She found herself at a loss for words, but it clicked quick, realized why she was here - why else did anyone come up to the roof anymore? Certainly not for picnics and food. So just like before, she raced forward, cried out, " _Hey, please don't do it!_ " just like before. There was so much deja vu, but she didn't think about it, her feet moved before her, lips cried words before she could stop herself. Her breath caught as the beautiful woman turned around, such surprise in those brown eyes as the women stared at each other before the woman in the red dress smiled softly, sadly, turned her gaze down as her hands clenched tight in her dress, found her own words to start speaking. Jo asked why. Why here, why now, why at all, and caused her to start a story she didn't expect. How she was ignored back home, how she had no friends, how everyone stole and hurt and how she didn't fit in with anyone anymore.

Could she really be helped for her snapping? For her scowling at her, hissed words in a mixture of languages she couldn't quite understand for a moment, but she could tell the exact moment it clicked in her head.

_I've seen people do that for worse. So you're acting fucking sad and pitiful because you think no one cares? Get over it! When all is said and done, you're still going to be loved by your friends and family back home and there'll still be dinner waiting on the table for you!_

_So please don't jump._

She learned her name as she stepped down. Learned a little about her. Maria Reynolds, a young woman with a crush on her friend and an abusive ex, who woke up to a text from her ex and realized she didn't want to do it anymore. And she was... Pleasantly surprised when Jo took her hand, led her along into her apartment where she sat Maria down, took out an old cook book of her mother's and spent a full hour cooking dinner and talking to Maria before sending her on her way home with at least three plastic containers of home cooked food. She offered to return the containers when she was done. Jo told her to keep them and sent her on her way.

* * *

It happened time and time again. Day after day, they'd think it was the day. They'd go up to the rooftop to finally do it, but they'd find someone there and talk them down instead. Suddenly all these people they didn't even know the first name of took _priority_. Over and over, _rely on yourself, believe in yourself, trust yourself, **don't jump, don't jump, don't jump**._

Name after name, person after person. Aaron got a drawing and a phone number to their therapist in case he needed help dealing with how sick his girlfriend was. Charles got a shoulder to lean on and reassurance that no matter what anyone else said or did, he was valid, and so were his feelings. James got solid advice that no matter what happened and what anyone said or did, only those he loved could speak for themselves, not his mind and not anyone else. Over and over, people came and went, sometimes it was the same person, sometimes it was to debate jumping, sometimes it was to sit and speak to John that they knew would be there.

_I listened to their tale, I made them turn away._

But no matter what, no matter how many times John went through the motions and talked so many people down and helped, he would never let out the scars and pain he kept hidden away in his own heart, clawing at his throat as he spoke to them all.

* * *

Once again, practically the same day, different person, once again standing at that rail. They were gorgeous, he noted. Dark skin, stubble along their jaw, jeans, sneakers, curly dark brown hair tied up neatly behind their head, and a yellow cardigan he thought suited them. _Having done it time and time again_ , John once more called out to them, found his breath taken away by their brown eyes on him and that sad, sad smile on their face.

He was struck with the immediate thought of how that smile didn't belong on that face. How young they looked, how put together they were despite what they had been about to do before John interrupted. Always interrupting, always stopping them before they made a mistake no one can take back. He knew how high that roof was, he knew no one would survive that jump, not really. And why did they have the right to take their own life away over things that wouldn't last, pains that would fade away in time when the impact of what they'd do lasted forever? _I just wanna stop the scars that grow every time that I go home. That's why I came up here instead_. John's breath had caught as he listened to their words, found himself slowly walking forward as they gazed out at the city from the roof, admiring the busy people going about their lives oblivious to what was going on. John wasn't sure many of them would even care. But he found himself continuing forward as they spoke of pains he knew all too well.

Of a lack of friends, of an unaccepting family, a man they loved they were sure didn't love them in return and a life they weren't sure they wanted to live anymore.

As they took hold of the rail to pull themselves over, John's arms flung around their waist, yanking them back into him and sending them both to the ground as tears burned his eyes, as he slowly realized he'd cried out, " _Hey, please don't do it!_ " as he grabbed hold of them. _Wait a minute, what did I just say? I couldn't care less either way!_ John's face had wound up pressed into their back, the other stuck between his legs as his arms stayed tight around their waist, keeping them close as he rambled in Spanish for a moment. _But in the moment, I just screamed something that I did not believe_ , " _It'll be okay_!"

It was new that John couldn't stop someone, that he didn't feel he had it in him to put a stop to the biggest mistake they'd ever make, but he still found himself trying for their sake. _For once I think I've been off more than I can chew_. It took an hour for either of them to calm down. For John's tears to slow, for their heart to stop racing in their chest as they listened to the sobbed words they didn't even understand. But finally, he calmed, moved until he was in their lap, determination on his face despite the tear stains as he told them it'd be okay. That they could make it if they took a deep breath and kept pushing through. They left with Aaron, Alexander and Maria's phone numbers. John went back to his apartment feeling numb and alone and so, so tired.

* * *

It was finally the day. It was time for him to leave, for him to end it all and never turn back. Time after time he'd tried to convince himself he wasn't doing the right thing, that there was a way to go about it, to stop the pain if only for a few moments, it was all he wanted and it was never enough. It was only a few days after he'd talked Lafayette down, after he'd sent them on their way to speak to Alexander, Aaron, Maria, to get the help they very well needed and deserved. He lied and told them he was up there to get some air and admire the view. They believed him and left, went home.

Now he was all alone. He'd never had someone to do the same thing for him, to listen to his woes and get the story from him. Everyone chose Henry, everyone saw him as broken, useless, weak. And he gave into it time and time again. But it was time to stop. It was time to put an end to it, to stop all the pain and suffering he couldn't begin to think about.

He pinned the note to his apartment door, and off he went. Through the hall, up the stairs, through the door to the roof. Surprise, there was no one there. _It's just me, myself and I_. _There's no one who can interfere, no one to get in my way here_. Same process. Walking up to the railing, but no one there for him to talk down. No one to talk him down. So it wasn't difficult for him to go on autopilot, to climb over, to hold onto the railing and hang onto it as he gazed down at the busy city and the people below. He didn't feel the anxiety in his veins, the worries or anything of the sort. He was done. He was tired. And most importantly, he was ready.

But the moment he released the railing, he was stopped. Something tight around his wrist, hung below the city, feet barely on the edge. He was still, silent, heart in his throat as he gazed at the bustling people below. Slowly his head turned. Wide eyed, tears starting to blur his vision to see an unfamiliar face gripping his wrist, and a familiar one looking so worried.

Lafayette, worry plain as day on their face as a dark skinned, dark brown haired man held John's wrist so tightly, Lafayette hanging onto the man's to help anchor him. He was quickly pulled back over the railing by the unfamiliar man from the tight grip on his wrist. When he was on his feet, he was immediately shoved into Lafayette's arms which went around him tight, prevented him from doing anything. Then he heard a few words from them that made him stop, caused those tears to really start pouring. " _Hey, please don't do it_."

It was... Rather nice to have someone to speak to, to spill out his own woes and worries, and it was... Better knowing Lafayette understood, that they went through the exact same pains he did and they could really, truly understand.

That was how he met Thomas Jefferson - the one they loved so much that apparently loved them right back. It made him happy at least to know things worked out for them, and the fact they were there and speaking to him, talking him down. For once the roles reversed, and it felt good to not have to worry about someone else throwing their life away. And maybe life was just a bit more bearable with those he met.

He didn't truly get along with Charles, not really, but they didn't exactly fight either, saw each other around town occasionally and fought for each other. He went and saw Martha, spilled his guts and made up with her, got himself a place in Frances's life and swore he wouldn't abandon them. Alexander came out to his boss George, only to be accepted by him and his coworkers as well, occasionally dropped by to pay a visit to John with his boyfriend, a whole misunderstanding Alexander only heard about when he'd gone home that day, Alex who went shopping with him for new, more fitting mens shirts and pants. Aaron dropped by occasionally to visit as well; he was good company, nice to sit and drink tea with while the two watched shows, met Alexander through a surprise visit when they both went to see John. Maria had a new friend she went to the park with often, who helped her get a job, who got Alexander's help in putting a restraining order against her abusive ex, block his number and helped her get the girl - who just so happened to be Alexander's ex Eliza.

And Lafayette visited practically every other day. John wasn't ashamed to admit those visits were what he looked forward to the most. To getting to sit at the dining table and have dinner with them, or invite Thomas to come with them and cook them both dinner himself from his mother's old recipes, or cook up old dessert recipes from his mom and enjoy watching their face light up, to get cooking lessons or a shoulder to cry on or support when he finally went back home to confront his father and see his family.

When he came back, all of them were waiting - a surprise welcome back party just for him. And John wasn't ashamed to admit he cried like a baby into Alex's shoulder, clung tight to them as best he could, told them the story of how Henry had gotten better - that they'd actually started to make up from his visit. Life was definitely more bearable with them in it.


End file.
